3 Principles for the Building the Confidence You Crave
We all want it, that seemingly elusive feeling of “I can have anything, anywhere, anytime.” The feeling we know as confidence. When we truly embody it, confidence oozes through our pores, it creates an aura of self-belief that is picked-up by everyone we encounter. The confidence and self-belief that puts our behavior on hyperdrive to act on the things we most desire.
I’m talking about true confidence. The type of confidence that is built from the inside – out, one that stems from your inner self, not from some external validation, e.g. materialistic possessions, an attractive partner, etc. – this we can call false confidence. How does one embody true confidence, day in and day out? It’s simple really. Do the shit that you don’t want to do. Just do it. Easier said than done, right?
You’ve been wanting to run a marathon for a while now, but you haven’t mustered the courage to actually do it. Why? I’m going to be direct, no beating around the bush, no sugar coating it; because you need to hear this, yes, I’m talking to you. No matter what your excuse is, the truth of the matter is, you haven’t actually done it. You can read about how to run a marathon, you can study how to run a marathon, you talk to marathon runners, but the truth remains – you haven’t done it.
I’ve fallen victim to this self-sabotaging cycle many times. I’m going to get a girlfriend by this date, I’m going to quit my job and apply for that dream job I’ve been telling all my friends about. Then weeks go by, months, and before we know it – it’s been years, and life circumstances remain relatively unchanged. No girlfriend, still at the same job, no dream job, etc. It wasn’t until I decided to do something about it, that things actually began to change. It’s simple right? Just do it. Looking back, the few times I’ve broken out of the cycle and realized my untapped potential, can be attributed to three principles. I unknowingly obeyed these three principles that led to my evolution into a new person. Here they are:
1. Reason from First Principles
Figure 1 – First Principles Thinking[1]
Aristotle described first principles in his famous Metaphysics[2] as “the first basis from which a thing is known.”[3] First principles thinking is the action of breaking down problems into the most basic elements. Why is this useful? How is this going to help me run a marathon? Get a date? Get my dream job? Time and time again, the number one reason we don’t hit our goals, or worse, take the action necessary towards their achievement, is because we feel overwhelmed with the enormity of our goal. Let’s go back to our running a marathon example, why don’t I run a marathon? I’ve run before, I know that I can run, so why don’t I just do it? – Running 26.2 miles is daunting, that’s why. But you know what’s not daunting? Running three miles. You know what’s even less daunting? Running one mile. Less daunting still – stretching. Even less daunting is putting on my running shoes. This is the basic premise behind first principles thinking. It’s about breaking down our problems to the smallest manageable piece that we can manage, then add on to there.
So how do you run a marathon? Running shoes on, stretch, run one mile, run two more miles; add miles accordingly. The goal is not to focus on the 26.2-mile marker, but rather to keep your focus on the next biggest manageable piece that you can manage. Keep your world small.
2. Set Lead Measure Goals
We’re told to set SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound) goals, but little emphasis is placed on what to measure. Let’s go back to getting a girlfriend by a certain date example, first off, this is not a wise goal – as the greatest philosophers have enlightened with the wisdom to know that setting goals that are dependent on an external source is the surest way to disappointment – the result (girlfriend) is based on something outside of us. So, what do we do?
“Let us try to persuade men. But act even against their will when the principles of justice lead that way. If, however, any man by using force stands in your way, have recourse to contentment and tranquility, employing this hindrance as a spur to the exercise of some other virtue; and remember that thy attempt was limited, that you did not desire to do impossibilities. What then did you desire? Some such effort as this.”
– Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book VI, V. 50.
The Stoics knew that some things are out of our control, and that our focus should be placed on our actions and effort, not the outcome. To land a date, you must first become an attractive potential mate. Become the man that is naturally attractive, by embodying the alpha male characteristics – someone who is strong, fierce, competitive, sexually proud, and the great aphrodisiac of them all – a high level of self-confidence. The specific way in which you strengthen each one of these characteristics is up to you to figure out, but the point is, that one should measure the relative strength of each one of these characteristics in your character, as opposed to the superficial goal of “having a girlfriend.” Having the goal of strengthening the alpha male characteristics is a lead measure, having a girlfriend by a certain date is a lag measure.
A lag measure tells you if you’ve achieved the goal, a lead measure tells you if you are likely to achieve your goal.[4] They are called lags because by the time you reach your goal (e.g. having a girlfriend), the actions that drove you attaining your goal have already passed, your actions are history. Whereas lead measures predict the likelihood that the lag measure will be achieved. Lead measures track the critical actions (e.g. strengthening your inner alpha-male characteristics) that drive the lag measure. Becoming someone who is strong, fierce, competitive, sexually proud, and has a high-level of self-confidence that stems from your self-respect, integrity, and courage is in your control, having a girlfriend by a certain date, is not. Focus on the lead measures.
Figure 2 – Lag vs Lead Measures[5]
3. Stress Yourself
We’ve heard the analogy before, the only way to grow is through putting yourself in situations that are going to stretch you, in the same way that your muscles become tone and strong from responding to a load. In a similar fashion, the human nervous system does this too, when exposed to new situations that stress you, whether that be intellectually, psychologically, we build new neural structures and new nervous system structures. As the clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson has researched, your biological genes code for new proteins when you put yourself into a new situation.[6] He goes on to say that there’s a lot of potential you, locked in your genetic code, the stress from a new situation unlocks those genes, which unlocks new part of “you.”
As you take on more and more load, the more informed you become as you do these difficult things, which unlocks more of you. It is only when you run a marathon, that this part of you becomes unlocked – you become the person who can run marathons. Peterson says that we are the potential composite of all the ancestral wisdom that’s locked inside of our biology. The only way to bring it out, is to stress yourself, the bigger the challenge that you take on, the more of you that becomes unlocked.
Push yourself to become more and to turn you into all that you can be. Whatever your life aspirations are, you must stress yourself, maybe you have to be a better speaker, a better influencer, a savvier businessman (or woman), a better writer, a better thinker (e.g. first principles thinker), kinder and more compassionate to the people around you, or maybe have to master some skill that will take a long time to develop. If it scares you, this is a prime indicator that you are about to stress yourself, and you must reach for it – to unlock yourself.
Figure 3 – Jordan Peterson
Summary: 1. Reason from principles – break everything to the smallest manageable piece that you can manage, 2. Focus on the lead measures, don’t be outcome dependent, 3. Stress yourself to build new neural structures and to unlock the ancestral wisdom that’s inside of you.
Figure 4 – Ancestral Wisdom[7]
References:
[1] Source: https://blog.usejournal.com/first-principles-a-method-for-understanding-anything-98fdfc7d626a
[2] Aristotle, Metaphysics 1013a14-15
[3] Source: https://fs.blog/2018/04/first-principles/#_ftn2
[4] Source: https://www.franklincovey.com/the-4-disciplines/discipline-2-act/
[5] Source: https://www.academy.profoundleadership.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/Four-Disciplines-of-Execution-Workbook.pdf
[6] Source: From Joe Rogan Experience, #1208 – Jordan Peterson (starting at 22:00), clinical psychologist, scholar, professor of psychology at the University of Toronto. Author of 12 Rules for Life.[7] Source: https://futuro-ancestral.com/en/tag/ancestral-wisdom/