Introduction
Much has been written on the subject of emotional intelligence and emotional maturity, and yet we are filled with daily frustrations, anger, passive aggressive behavior, are defensive, and worst of all – seek to control others. These are all classic signs of emotional immaturity. So what is emotional maturity? As holistic psychologist guru Dr. Nicole LePera defines it in her five-star Amazon reviewed book How To Do The Work, emotional maturity is achieved when an individual has or strives to have the capacity “to accept all of our emotions, and the ability to tolerate even the most ugly emotions, without losing control.”[1]
Why is emotional intelligence paramount to our well-being and our livelihood? Aside from the obvious benefit of a better mood, and an increased emotional resilience when faced with life’s inevitable difficulties and struggles, it is just as important for effectiveness – both in our professional and personal worlds. Ultimately, this is what we all need but are sometimes in the dark about why it seems that everything is an uphill battle. Whether you are a garbage trash collector (a noble duty that serves our communities), a computer programmer, an Instagram influencer, or the CEO of a major fortune 500 company – the hallmark of the most effective of any of these people is a high-degree of emotional maturity. “Not education. Not experience. Not knowledge or intellectual horsepower. None of these serve as an adequate predictor as to why one person succeeds and another doesn’t. There is something else going on that society doesn’t seem to account for.”[2] Great leaders know all too well what the missing ingredient is – emotional intelligence. What does emotional intelligence and emotional maturity have to do with leadership – everything.
The good news is that emotional intelligence and emotional maturity can be developed. We can boost this intelligence with continuous practice, feedback, our own positive attitude and will for transforming ourselves into an effective leader.[3] Below are three principles which I (try to) follow every day in my own quest to become a more effective leader.
Leadership Principle 1: Inspire action with purpose
The most effective leaders lead by example; they don’t tell people what to do, they inspire. As TEDx speaker Simon Sinek put it in his legendary speech “How great leaders inspire action,” the common denominator amongst the most influential people and organizations from history, from the likes of Apple, Martin Luther King Jr, and the Wright Brothers, is an unshakable answer to “Why?” What is your purpose? Why are you doing what it is that you’re doing? Is it money, fame, prestige, power, recognition? Most of the time we are seeking something superficial, and when things get inevitably tough, we will give in – unless we know why.
Motivation is only enough to get you started, why is the only thing that will keep you going. It will keep you fighting. Great leaders embody their why, there is no need for them to tell people what to do. Which is why I’ve made this my first emotional maturity principle. It’s about inspiration, not dictatorship.
Wilbur and Orville Wright knew why they were doing what they were doing. They were driven by purpose, by a core belief, a belief that if they figured out this flying machine it would change the course of the world. They didn’t want to be rich, nor did they want to be famous. They were not in pursuit of a result; they were in pursuit of mastery. And the people that worked for them saw this, and they in turn put their heart and soul into helping them make their dream a reality.
Leadership Principle 2: Know what you value
Great leaders know what they value, and typically the most influential leaders do not value money. Steve Jobs has been called as one of the most influential innovators of our generation, and it is well known that he valued great products, known for putting great attention to detail to the electronics underneath the product enclosure that would never be seen by the customer. He valued craftsmanship.
Other great leaders value competence and skill, a personal favorite of mine. As Cal Newport so eloquently put it in his book So Good They Can’t Ignore You, having a mission allows you to “focus your energy towards a useful goal, this in turn maximizes your impact on the world. People who feel their careers matter are more resistant to the strain of hard work.”[4] In other words, having a mission underscores the fact that you know what you value.
This is paramount to increasing our self-awareness. Understanding what we are after, maintains happiness through the ups and downs on our quest; our quest to live a mission driven life.
Leadership Principle 3: Elevate others
The third leadership principle is to elevate others. Anything we do in life will require that we deal with people, so we might as well practice getting good at it. Relationship management is vital to our social acceptance, a critical attribute to maintaining a sense of fitting in and being considered. This isn’t about social validation, but rather about pulling your weight and doing your part to add to the collective consciousness. Side note: The term collective consciousness was coined by sociologist Émile Durkheim back in the late 19th century, essentially making the argument that it is this concept that holds society together; there “is a mutual reliance individuals and groups had on others in order to allow for a society to function.”[5]
In order to manage relationships successfully, we must be aware of our own emotions and those of others. Yes, this may sound like sissy talk to you macho men, and the tough leaders – but is your goal to appear tough or to be effective? There is an extreme benefit to connecting with different people, even those we may not be particularly fond of. It is these situations that challenge us, that ask us to step up and put our principled life into action.
As many of the wisest people in history have said, the most important thing in life is the quality of our relationships. So, it behooves us to develop this skill through continuous practice. How you might ask? It’s simple, elevate them – genuinely. Send them love.
Conclusion
In summary, I’ve presented three leadership principles that I aspire to embody every single day. It may not always be easy, but we try our best, don’t we? The first principle is to inspire action through purpose. The second principle is to know what you value. The third principle is to elevate others. They’re simple, but as the saying goes, there’s elegance in simplicity.
[1] (LePera, 2021)
[2] (Bradberry & Greaves, 2009)
[3] (Goleman, 1998)
[4] (Newport, 2016)
[5] Web source: https://www.thoughtco.com/collective-consciousness-definition-3026118
References
Bradberry, T., & Greaves, J. (2009). Emotional Intelligence 2.0. San Diego: TalentSmart.
Goleman, D. (1998). What Makes a Leader? Harvard Business Review, 1-11.
LePera, N. (2021). How To Do The Work. New York: Harper Collins.
Newport, C. (2016). So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. New York: Grand Central Publishing.